First of all, I must admit that generally speaking life is going well for us. We just moved into a BEAUTIFUL home, and Dale's job is going well, and he's really enjoying it. We have so much to be thankful for, and I try to remember that each day. We've had friends that have have had really tragic things happen in their lives lately, and it really helps me to remember and appreciate the good things in my life.
I do feel like I've just been in a sort of personal rut lately. This past weekend we had General Conference, and Easter, and we were officially all moved in by Friday. The weekend was just crazy non stop. Usually I am so excited about general conference, and potential to hear anything and what I can gain. As I've read blogs and see status' from friends on facebook, I feel like I totally missed the entire thing. In reality I know that I heard 1 talk. I heard Julie Beck's talk because my husband is wonderful and made sure the kids didn't distract me while she spoke. Honestly though, I just remember that she said to make sure not to feel like we have to be appreciate ... lol. I know that's not exactly what she said and I know that the way I'm taking that today is not in the way she meant for it to be. I do remember that I loved her talk, and was grateful in the moment to listen and see her speak. Easter didn't really seem like Easter. Part of that was having conference, and part of it was that Dale and I were so exausted from the week we'd had of moving, that we just sat around in our pajama's all day (we don't do this for either Conference or Easter usually). It was just an off weekend ... so I feel like I missed a lot.
I'm totally overwhelmed with four kids like 80% of the time. They are great, and sometimes it is awesome ... but sometimes it's just plain hard. I know so few people with as many kids as I have, that it makes it really, really hard to find someone that understands. I am only being 100% honest when I say I hope and pray that someone that lives by me now, will be able to understand what it's like. I also think I'm insane about 99% of the time for wanting more kids. :) But I will have more, I will be fine with more, and I know that our family is not complete and will not be for a little while longer. Somehow the Lord will hold me up a little bit more so that I can survive, enjoy, and live my life fully and love being a mother to all the children that will be in my home. I have no idea how that will happen, but somehow, I will not fall apart ... sigh. That's a good thing.
Have you ever had those times were you totally feel left out of a situation like you did when you were in middle school, then you'd get all huffy about it, and be mad at your friends, etc?? Oh man. Anyways, I'm totally in that mood right now. I think it's just worsened by the fact that I feel like I missed all of general conference (again it's the 4 kids ... if I had 2 kids I feel like I could totally get something out of it, but there is just this constant stream of needs that need to be met all day long, and it just doesn't end until bedtime ... but then a couple hours later, the baby usually wakes up, lol). I'm just kind of bugged, and feel totally left out of knowing about a situation right now, and am being too huffy to even ask anyone for details, because I feel like I SHOULD know them without having to ask ... so I'm bugged. Don't ask what it is, I am not telling, :) Someday I'll know, when I'm in the better mood and feel like asking those involved in the situation, lol.
I am so glad that Jack is doing as well as he is. He really doesn't have any significant problems from everything that happened (that we know of). For some reason, the physical therapy that he is getting right now (for the torticollis, you can read about it a few blogs down, I'm too lazy to link it, lol), is just SO overwhelming for me. He has about 8 stretches that have to be done on a daily basis like 3 times a day. It is so hard to sit down with 3 other kids and do them. He hates about half of them, and screams through them. So that makes it even harder to want to do them. Then we have the appointments. Which includes finding a babysitter, which is a bit of a stress just because we've had to find and utilize so many amazing friends and family to watch the 3 older kids with the various doctors appointments he's had to go to. It is just a huge stress for me. Preparing for it, and getting there. Once there I'm okay. He has a great PT, and he does great things for Jack. I know J needs it, and I am SO grateful that it is so close to us. I just wish it wasn't so overwhelming for me. I have no idea why it is, it just is. At least he's doing better, even if I'm not super awesome about keeping up with what I need to do. I'm trying to keep up with it all ... that's all I have to do right??
I love all my private blogs ... I had them all saved in my bookmarks, and then my computer was reformatted, and they didn't get saved. Or maybe they did, and I just haven't looked them up yet. I'm too lazy to download Firefox (I use Chrome). I should do it. I miss reading those private blogs. I like my friends. :) I guess I'm not confident enough that they are there. If my dear sweet husband makes it this far into the post (he subscribes on Google Reader, and I have no idea if he really reads what I write), maybe he'll help me figure out if they are there. But he is SO busy working, and going to school, and being a dad, and listening to me chat away all the time, that it's hard to do that, lol.
I think that's all. I wonder if anyone will read all of that. Honestly, I don't know if I would if it was someone else's blog. I'd probably glance over it all ... depending on my mood, lol. If you made it this far, I'm amazed!
Again, I know my family is blessed. I am blessed to have the wonderful children I do. They are great.
13 comments:
I'm sorry! I read all of it :) I pretty much missed all of conference too and I only have 3 and one was napping through the afternoon sessions so it's not just you or just your kids. I even printed off like 30 pages of conference activities for the older two but they were more interested in fighting.
I know you feel crazy right now with all the needs of the kids, and I know you feel crazy for wanting more, but it will be over soon enough and they will be in school and then you'll be wondering what to do all day :) You'll make it through. You have to. Cause the alternative is well...
And I'm left out of stuff all the time and I'm always the last to hear about anything and feel totally out of the loop while other people are sharing stories or reminiscing about things they did together, or posting blog pictures of places they went together and no one called me to go and even if they did I couldn't go anyway, so yeah, feel you there too. I hope it gets better! I hope you find some awesome neighbors that can relate and some good young women that can babysit!
I don't know if your house plans included your backyard, but I think that would be a huge help to you if you could send the kids outside to play and get a little peace for yourself!
Oh Kara, I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I have no idea how it would be to have four kids and I am constantly amazed that you do so much with your 4. I can hardly handle the two. If it makes you feel any better I really only remember one talk from general conference. I was hoping to go to my parents house and sit and enjoy it but instead both of my kids were so honery and whining and screaming and yelling the entire time and I barely heard anything.
I'm sorry you are feeling so overwhelmed with the kids and moving and PT for Jack. I know it is hard to try and find babysitters for anything but just so you know I really can watch your kids whenever you need me to. Your 3 oldest get along with my kids so it is super easy to watch them and my kids love it. So keep asking.
I hope things get better. We all get in ruts in our life or feel completely out of the loop. I feel like that is the story of my life. My only social interaction is through facebook which I would hardly call "social interaction" but it is 100% true. I rarely get out and do things with anyone including john. If you ever need a time out for yourself please let me know.
Also, if you are interested I don't have anything planned for today and if you wanted I could come over today while caleb is in school and help you move boxes or watch kids. Caleb is in school at 12:30 until 3:30 so I could come for those couple of hours and help you out and I would love it. Just let me know.
I read it all, Kara. I always read your posts through even though I don't comment very often (I have them on google reader as well and forget that i have the ability to comment most of the time. . .)
Anyway--i know there's not much I can say, except that the emotions you are feeling are COMPLETELY justified. You feeling overwhelmed by the physical therapy and all of Jack's appointments, feeling frustrated about missing conference, feeling left out of things going on with other people, and overwhelmed at the idea of adding to your family even though you know it's right.
I would never presume to know exactly how you feel because every one of us perceives things and situations differently. . .but i do want you to know that i know it's hard and don't feel bad about the emotions you experience.
You really are amazing--I know it is hard to feel it when you're just running from one mundane task to the next, trying to find somebody to babysit, trying to make new friends, etc. but you are.
oh, and btw, if you're not able to find your blogs, i'd love to 'reinvite' you to ours at least. . .
i'll call you later.
I didn't get much of conference either, and I only have 2! I can't imagine 4. With moving craziness and all. Just remember, we are literally around the corner from you now, you are more than welcome to drop off kids and let them play anytime!!! :)
Kara just so you know I read it all and we can work on getting the other blogs. I am busy, but I have time to help you with that.
I feel the exact same way about conference! I watched one complete talk and that is it. I am so frustrated that things worked out the way they did for us this weekend. I was really looking forward to being enlightened and felt like I needed it big time and now I have to wait for the Ensign to come out. I only have one child and was frustrated. I can't imagine how you must feel. (I can see how that is frustrating for you too) From what I am gathering a lot of moms with young children had similar experiences, which makes me feel better. I need to stop reading the posts about conference on Facebook from all of my friends who don't have kids!:)
I hate asking people for help! I think asking friends to babysit is the hardest thing. I always feel like I am such a burden. My friends are always happy to help when I need it and I am sure yours are too. We probably just worry too much over it.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. It is nice to hear that I am not alone!:) I really think you are amazing Kara! Keep being an awesome Mommy to those adorable kids. I am sure things will slow down as you start to settle into your new home and routine.
I just wanted to let you know that I love and admire you! Keep your head up honey!
I feel overwhelmed with my two and can imagine that your four take a toll on your energies. I love reading your blog and I'm so glad you have a place where you can share the things you're going through. Motherhood and staying home with your children is hard work. I hope that you're able to feel more settled each day. My sister told me when I had my first to do one thing every day that makes you feel like a good mom. That way, when you go to bed at night you can think, "I'm a good mom." It helps me think, just one thing, I can do that! good luck.
First of all, I really disliked Easter falling on Conference weekend. It was like my birthday on Christmas, I wanted to celebrate each SEPARATELY.
I missed a lot of conference and I only have 2 kids. I totally understand the disappointment of not getting much out of it. I usually feel completely edified and rejuvenated after Conference weekend, not so this time. I have started to re-watch one talk a day when the kids are asleep. Each talk is only about 15 mins. That way I can focus and not be distracted.
I'm sure soon you'll get into your groove with all four of them and you won't feel like you are constantly needed all day (maybe when Will goes to kindergarten?) or are you homeschooling?
Well, Ms. Amazon Mom, you are MY hero, that is for sure. I am happy you are able to write it all down and get it out. Sometimes just that helps a bit. I am sure it is of NO help at all to tell you I don't remember being able to get through very much of conference when you guys were little :-) M&Ms and Conference Bingo helped (well, not really). Here is what is important: You are setting the HABIT of watching Conference and making it a priority in your lives. What do YOU remember about Conference from when you were little? Not much, probably, but you remember we watched as a family for at least one session (maybe you hated it, but as you got older, it made more sense). The lovely thing is, its all on our DVR, it comes out on DVD soon, its on the Internet and out in print. It may not be quite the same, but the Spirit will bless you for your diligence. Be at peace, sweet Kara.
Love,
mom
I can only imagine that with 4 little ones at home your life is crazy to say the least. The thing that helps me is to get out at least once a month. That one night every month gives me that boost of energy that I need to get through the rest of the month. I hope that things will calm down a bit now that you are moved in and getting settled. Just remember that once the Ensign comes out next month you can sit down at night when all the kids are in bed and read to your hearts content:) That is what I plan on doing cause I too didn't get to hear much of what was said during conference! I hope you will feel some peace soon:) I'll be thinking about you!
I read it Sassy! In my opinion you heard the best talk! I cried when I listened to her because it was exactly what I needed to hear! I love Sister Beck and her counsel was right on for me!
You amaze me ya know! Four kids is busy and yours are close together and that makes it even more difficult. I think you said it right, enjoy and live your life fully, love being a mother to all the children that will be in your home. Your gratitude and ability to look on the bright side in addition to trusted that the Lord will give you strength; that will carry you through!
It is like Pres. Monson has said "if you are on the Lords' errand, you are entitled to His help".
I sure love you Sassy Pants! You are a great example to many! You sure bless my life!
Kara,
I know I haven't read your blog in a while, but I want you to know that I SO admire you! I pray that I'm half as good of a mom as you are. And if the Lord blesses us with a large family I know just the cousin to call when I need advice. You are amazing! I love you!
Brittiny
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